My cousin got married in August — we got all dressed up, celebrated with champagne, and danced the night away under the stars. Two days later, Paul and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.
And let me tell you, there’s nothing like watching someone else’s “Day 1” while you’re sitting over here at “Year 18.”
It made me laugh a little (and tear up a little, too). Weddings are magical — but marriage? Marriage is gritty, hilarious, exhausting, sacred, messy, and beautiful all at once.
If I could go back and tell my younger self what really matters, here’s what I’d say… My 18 lessons after 18 years of marriage — Enjoy!
1. Keep Showing Up
Falling in love is easy.
Staying in love? That’s where the real work begins.
Marriage isn’t a one-time promise made on a pretty August afternoon — it’s a thousand little “I still do’s.” It’s showing up and choosing each other again and again, even when life feels messy, exhausting, or far from romantic.
The person you marry becomes your teammate and your safe place — It’s not just about being in love, it’s about choosing love — over and over.
“Marriage isn’t one big decision. It’s a thousand little ones, every single day.”
2. Wedding Vows Are Table Stakes
On your wedding day, “for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer” feels symbolic, right?
But over time? Those words get real.
- Sickness isn’t just a vow — it’s sitting in ER waiting rooms together.
- Poorer isn’t hypothetical — it’s surviving job losses, bills, and tight seasons.
- Worse isn’t poetic — it’s weathering arguments, stress, and unmet expectations.
3. Communication Is Everything
Maybe this one should be #1 — because if you don’t have healthy communication, nothing can hold two people together.
It’s easy for conversations in marriage to become all about logistics—what’s for dinner, what bills are due, where’s the event tonight – and before you know it, you’re functioning like business partners instead of soulmates.
But real intimacy comes from being seen. It’s about taking time to really talk—
- What are you excited about right now?
- What’s been weighing on your heart?
- What do you need from me?
Create space to really listen—not to fix, but to simply understand.
I recently learned the HHH method — and it’s brilliant! When someone you love comes to you with a problem, you ask:
“Do you want to be Helped, Heard, or Hugged?”
- Helped: Deconstruct the problem and identify solutions.
- Heard: Listen intently and allow the other person to vent.
- Hugged: Provide comforting touch.
Marriage is about walking through life hand in hand and staying continuously curious about the person you chose. Because we all change—and love grows best when we keep rediscovering and choosing each other through every season.
“Just gonna tell y’all something. By the time you’ve been married over 40 years, you’ve been married to about four different people. So have they. It’s a miracle of God any of us ever make it.” — Beth Moore, Bible Teacher
4. Have the Hard Conversations
Behind every resentment is an unmet need.
Early on, I thought my hubby should “just know” what I needed, or what I was thinking. Spoiler: He didn’t.
I would stew quietly, frustrated because he didn’t ask. Meanwhile, he was oblivious, thinking everything was fine. (Because to him, it was!) Because I never SAID anything…But years of marriage taught me not to bury it. Don’t let sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, or my personal favorite – the silent treatment – stand in the way. Don’t assume your partner knows if you don’t tell them.
Be upfront with your feelings and emotions.
Have the hard conversations early and often – don’t avoid difficult subjects just because it’s easier to keep the peace by staying quiet.
Because if you can’t talk to your partner, who can you really talk to?
I recently learned about the concept of Marriage Meetings — what’s that? A regular, intentional time to pause and connect with your partner. It’s a regular check-in to get everything on the table—clear the air and get on the same page.
“Don’t avoid the hard to keep the peace”
5. Learn to Let Some Things Go (But Don’t Let Resentment Fester)
With that said, not everything is worth a fight.
- Is he folding the towels wrong? Let it go.
- He doesn’t want to watch Gilmore Girls. That’s fine.
- He forgot to pick up your dry cleaning. It’s ok.
Bottom line: Pick your battles — because if you fight over everything, you’ll never have anything.
That doesn’t mean couples never argue. (That’s not good either!) But it means they learn how to argue well. Don’t bring up past mistakes. Don’t jab at insecurities. Keep the focus on the problem, not the person. Stay on the same team.
When something is important to you, speak up — but do it kindly. Don’t stuff it down until you explode. (Because I promise you, you will eventually erupt….)
Because pushing it down never works, it only builds and erupts at the worst possible moment. (And then spilling Diet Coke in your new Jeep ignites the biggest fight of your marriage. And suddenly you’re not fighting about Diet Coke at all and wondering what the hell just happened??) #truestory
“Successful couples learn to live with the problems they can’t resolve. They navigate them with humor, affection, and acceptance.” — John Gottman
6. Relationships Are Never 50/50
Despite what we like to say, relationships are never perfectly equal. Some seasons, I’m the one running on fumes, and my hubby carries the weight. Other times, I’ve carried more than my share to help him. The important part is that it still adds up to 100%
The point isn’t keeping score. It’s asking:
- Where am I in this season — emotionally, mentally, physically?
- What do I have to give?
- What do I need?
This is where communication becomes critical – be honest with yourself and your partner about what you have to give and what you need from them. And above all, learn to extend grace to each other, each and every day….
And I may be an outlier on this one, but I think it’s ok to go to bed angry — the problem almost always seems smaller in the morning, and after a good night’s sleep, we’re able to approach things from a level-headed place (Not fueled by frustration and exhaustion!)
7. Be a Team
It’s not me vs. you.
It’s us vs. the world.
Marriage works best when you combine strengths, cover each other’s weaknesses, and remember you’re fighting with each other, not against each other.
Here’s the truth: Your life is hard. His life is hard. But it’s NOT a competition. Stop keeping score over who’s more stressed, who worked longer hours, who got up with the kids/pups more, or who’s bringing in more $
Keeping a mental tally only builds resentment. Instead, approach each other with empathy, compassion, and the mindset of, “How can we carry this load together?”
I love being #TeamSimon ❤️
“Marriage isn’t about who has it harder. It’s about carrying the hard together.”
8. Talk about Money (Early & Often)
Here’s the thing no one tells you when you tie the knot – money in marriage isn’t really about money at all. It’s about alignment in security, expectations, and trust.
Some couples toss it all into one big joint account: “One pot, two spoons.” Others keep things separate: “Your money, my money, we’ll figure out the groceries & house bills.”
And honestly? Both can work!
The only time it doesn’t work is when you’re not aligned. If one person thinks
you both are saving for that Hawaiian vacation while the other is building a secret Amazon Prime empire, conflict is coming! And neither of your are wrong per se, but not on the same page.
So, whatever your system, make sure you both know it, agree on it, and keep up your end of the collaborative financial plans.
36.7% of marital separations are due to financial differences & problems
9. Know How You’re Wired (Love Languages Matter)
Newsflash: your spouse is not a mind-reader (shocking, I know).
Love doesn’t look or feel the same for everyone. For me? I want words — tell me I’m amazing, tell me I’m pretty, heck, tell me I look cute while unloading the dishwasher. Words of affirmation are my love language. And when I vent about work or life, I don’t need a 12-step solution plan. I just need him to nod, hug me, and say, “I get it. It’s okay to feel this way.”
My hubs, though… Totally different. He’s wired to be steady, logical, strong – words don’t hit him the same way as they do me. He needs companionship & physical touch — a safe space to drop the armor and just be. Hugs, hand-holding, a back rub after a long day…(If you know what I mean…?) 😉
That’s marriage: learning what fills your tank, and what fills theirs.
Here’s the real kicker – most of us love the way we want to be loved, not the way our partner actually feels it. At the end of the day, we all need to feel loved, safe, and connected. We just speak different dialects of the same language….
“Love your person in the way they need to be loved, not just in the way you want to give it.”
10. Intimacy Matters
Yes, sex matters — a lot. But intimacy is more than what happens in the bedroom. It’s laughing until you can’t breathe. It’s coffee on a quiet Saturday morning. It’s holding hands in Church. It’s choosing each other when life feels extra heavy.
But, without physical intimacy, marriages often slip into “roommate mode.” You share a roof, eat the same meals, maybe watch Netflix side by side while scrolling your phones — but the spark fades. There’s no physical touch, no emotional closeness, just two people co-existing.
And honestly? Who wants to do that for the rest of their life?
For men, sex often feels as essential as food or water. I once saw a (wildly inappropriate but true) meme that said:
“Wives, keep your husbands’ stomachs full and their balls empty.”
Crude? Yep. True? Yep.
For women, emotional connection usually needs to come first. Both matter. Both are valid. And both need intentional nurturing.
And yes, there are seasons of life that sometimes take over — intimacy is a fire — and fires don’t keep burning on their own. If neglected for too long, the flames die out…
12. Preserve Some Mystery
The honeymoon phase is real. Romantic love fires up the same brain circuits as gambling or cocaine. Why? Unpredictability.
Your brain craves the unknown — that’s why waiting for that first “good morning” text feels electric. But fast-forward years later, and the “We need eggs” text hits… well, it hits different.
Relationships naturally drift toward routine. You share chores, schedules, and a bathroom. You’ve seen each other sick, irritated, and unfiltered. Over time, mystery fades — and so can desire.
But keeping the spark alive doesn’t mean secrets or games. It means space, curiosity, and a little surprise.
It means maintaining your own life—your friends, hobbies, and passions—instead of folding everything into the relationship. It’s easy to lose yourself in love, to slowly blend your identity into your partner’s until you forget who you were before. But remember, the person your spouse fell in love with had a rich, full life—unique opinions, interests, and dreams. Nurturing those parts of yourself keeps the relationship vibrant and helps you both continue to grow—together and individually.
Remember — your partner is still evolving . So, keep rediscovering them.
“Desire thrives on curiosity. Stay curious about each other.”
13. Don’t Expect Your Partner to Heal Your Wounds
We don’t enter relationships as blank slates. We each carry a history – shame, abandonment, unmet needs.
Somewhere along the line, we’re sold a lie that love will fix it. We’re told that the right partner will understand us, heal our inner child, and finally give us the safety we never had.
Yes, love can support healing. But it can’t do the healing for you.
We need to seek out our own healing journey — whatever that looks like.
Your wounds are yours. Own them. Tend to them.
Otherwise, you’ll bleed on the person who didn’t cut you.
14. Forgive Often. Protect Trust.
You’re going to mess up. So will your spouse.
Sometimes in small ways (snapping when you’re tired), sometimes in bigger ways – but we have to learn to forgive if we want a forever.
But forgiveness can only thrive where there’s trust. And trust? That’s sacred. Once it’s broken, the relationship never feels quite the same.
And funny enough, trust doesn’t usually fail because of one huge betrayal. It fails in the many little ways — when we hide how we really feel, when we fake it to keep the peace, when we show up as a version of ourselves instead of the real thing.
Most divorces I hear about are ‘death by a thousand cuts’ – it wasn’t one big blip to end everything, it was all the little things that were never addressed or spoken about.
Authenticity is what protects trust. Forgiveness is what restores it. Both are non-negotiables.
Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” — Buddha
15. Build a Shared Future
Couples thrive when they’re building something together — whether it’s a family, a business, or even just planning the next hiking adventure.
Shared purpose & experiences are the heartbeat of connection. When both of you feel invested in a vision—something that excites you and gives you direction—you stay united.
It’s not just about reaching a goal; it’s about the journey of creating it side by side and the moments that weave your story together.
A shared dream reminds you that you’re not just co-existing—you’re co-creating a life that reflects both of your hearts.
“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction,” — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
16. Share Interests (Even If They’re Not Yours)
Your spouse’s passions may not always be yours. That’s okay. Show up anyway. The point isn’t to love what they love; it’s to love them alongside it.
There’s something special about seeing your partner in their element—their heart on fire.
My hubby did a triathlon with me for a few years. It wasn’t really his thing, but he showed up with me—because I loved it. That kind of effort speaks volumes. It says,
I see you. I’m in this with you, and I love seeing you alive and happy.
So even if their hobby isn’t exactly your thing, show up with curiosity and support. And if you’re there? Be all in. Don’t sulk your way through. (I promise, they notice!)
Offer encouragement, ask questions, and get involved in small ways.
Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do. — David Wilkerson
17. Go on Date Nights & Have Fun Together!
Yes, even after 18 years. Especially after 18 years.
Get dressed up, go out, laugh together. Or stay in, order takeout, and slow dance in the kitchen. The point isn’t what you do, it’s that you do it — just the two of you.
I get it. Life gets busy – and the first thing to go is usually date night. We’re tired. We’re distracted. We’re beat down…
When date night arrives, I usually have those same feelings– but after I step away with my hubby, and his humor comes out, the stresses of the day slowly deteriorate.
Life is heavy.. But laughter? It lightens the load.
Some of my favorite memories with my hubs aren’t big milestones. They’re the silly, spontaneous ones — the ones where inside jokes are built and laughter fills our hearts.
“Humor doesn’t just heal. It keeps you connected.”
18. God-Centered Marriage
At the heart of every lasting marriage is one simple truth – we’re two imperfect people, loved by a perfect God.
A Christ-centered relationship doesn’t mean everything will be easy — it means you’ll have an anchor when the waves hit. When pride creeps in, His grace softens hearts. When distance grows, His love bridges the gap.
A strong marriage starts with our Heavenly Father.
- Pray together.
- Worship together.
- Dream together.
Because when God is at the center, we can weather the storms and everything else seems to fall into place…
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. – Romans 12:10
The Wrap
I don’t pretend to have all the answers or follow my own advice all the time, but I do know this: 18 years have taught me a lot.
Happily ever after is real — but it looks different than you think at day one.
It’s not perfect. It’s not always balanced. But it’s beautiful.
And I can’t wait for the next few decades together as #teamsimon ❤️
